[92GT]

just a joke(?) I thought was kinda funny


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1. Welcome to the South...
Issued by the Southern Texas Tourism Bureau to ALL
visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at
Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast
24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If
you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie,
Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy
Joe, Sissy, etc.)These people have all been known to
kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down
here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a
flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or
whatever it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can
lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate
than you. We are also better educated and generally a
lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of
hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense Fred Smith of
Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV,
Netscape.
Naturally, we don't care if you think we are dumb. We
can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War history. If Lee had
listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg
instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be
paying taxes to Dallas instead of Washington. If you
don't like it we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so
shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell
out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone
will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your
biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your
grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Texas accent. This will incite a riot,
and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at
home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have
visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, San Francisco,
Chicago, Portland and Las Vegas, and we have the scars
to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready
when you are. Take your ass home before it gets
kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk
this way because we don't want to sound like ya'll. We
don't care if you don't understand what we are saying.

All other Southerners understand what we are saying,
and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll
kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted.
Whine about OUR scenic beauty, or we'll kick your ass
all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir"
and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our
seats to old folks because such things are expected of
civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet
little grey-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some
manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most
of us live in the countryside? That's because we have
enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested
cesspools like New York or San Jose. Make fun of our
fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down
here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This
will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked).

You're lucky we let you come down here at all.
Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box - minus
your ass.